See the light

There will come a day when I’ll feel financially stable enough to order the large cannoli.  Until then, I’ll take the small cannoli and enjoy every. single. messy. bite of it.  It’s the same materials, just less.  And as the saying goes, “Less is more.”

Studying for the bar exam is a difficult lifestyle that not many would voluntarily choose.  The vast amount of knowledge to drill into the brain, monotony, lack of fresh air. It has changed many aspects of my life.  It is the hardest standardized test to prepare for and take.

But I realized something while looking at my little cannoli: Studying for the bar exam, while incredibly challenging and heavy, is also a time in my life where I’ve been able to fit in little luxuries that mean so much to me.  Like the cannoli. And revisiting a store I used to love and getting lots of samples. Finding a hidden $5 blouse in a sale rack. A $3 movie ticket.  Getting bundled, braving the cold, and walking a chilly mile to and from the discount theater with my boyfriend after eating the dinner he made for us.  Talking about everything, laughing in spooky empty midnight streets as we pass by all the Christmas lights. Watching a good movie and eating candy. I hope in my life, no matter how rich or successful I become, I will always be thankful for things like this.

I think that being grateful is a learned behavior, it’s a skill to hone. It’s not automatic for me, anyway.  On a bad day, I’m guilty of feeling like my life is cursed because of the hardships that I face.  As if I’m the only one.  It’s indulgent, especially because every single person on this planet goes through a time/times in their life when shit feels insurmountable. And we’re all figuring out how to work with what we’ve been dealt.

When I think about how there is a whole wide world and a whole long future that contain things and events that feel so painfully out of my reach, I find it very hard to be thankful.  It’s one of my worst traits. Plus, I’m impatient.  But the older I get, I realize, the more patient I have to be.  And the more grateful I am, the more I feel like I am living the life I’m supposed to be living.  It’s a way to look at my own life and feel happy about it.

More than anything, I want to feel happy about my own life, and feel good about/be good to the people I choose to be in it. So the older I get, I hope I learn more ways of to how to achieve this.

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