Owning This


This is boxed mac n cheese, topped with that seaweed sesame stuff I always have in my pantry. This symbolizes what adulthood, for me, has been lately. Dressing up my shortcomings and being proud of my effort, even if it’s something others dismiss.

Anyway, it’s not so bad. As you can see, this is the sophisticated white cheddar variety, which of course indicates that I am a grown-up. What you are not seeing are the dark circles under my eyes! I’m a very tired grown-up. I should have more energy, but…

Here’s the situation. I have a little over two weeks til I take the bar exam. I am feeling so zapped of energy lately that even making this for lunch yesterday was a little bit too involved. But eating it was incredibly satisfying.

———

I want so badly to think I have control over my life. But in reality, there is only so little I can control. I can only control myself. Everything else that populates my life… Well, it’s just not up to me. “Cast your fate to the wind” by the Vince Guaraldi Trio is a song I like to think about to keep my spirits up. The song urges us to just let go and see what happens. Very little is within our control. So, the choice to be light and proceed with a smile is that much more meaningful.

How does this all tie back to anything I’ve mentioned in this post so far? I guess, what little I do have control over in the grand scheme of things, I can be proud knowing that I really am always doing my best and giving all I can. Whatever life has in store for me,I’m the one who makes the decision to continue to on into the great unknown. I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. These are the two closing lines of a poem that inspires me daily, “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley.

The takeaway from all these disjointed things and weird references is: Being an adult probably means owning your shit, even if it’s shit, and putting your name on it.

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