Direct attacks that disrespect and undermine my identity, my humanity

I’ve been struggling to keep my sense of self strong and intact when a lot of shit has happened in the past few months that challenge my emotional/mental endurance. I feel myself weakening and entering a depressed state because of all the sexist racist remarks and actions that have happened to me lately, in every realm that I exist. At this point, I am feeling an urgent need to process all this. Because it happens on a regular basis, I want to find healthy ways to move through it, move forward stronger than before, and better able to shut these losers down and overcome their attacks when they happen. Enter therapy.

My new insurance kicks in next month, and it’s a step up from what I had before. It completely covers seeing a therapist, and I am over the moon about it. My old insurance required me to jump through so many hoops and had such a limited list of providers, most all of whose listed contact information was inaccurate. It was terrible, and I’d be on the phone and the web for hours just trying to find the right contact info. I gave up and just did my best on my own to take care of myself. But soon I will have the opportunity to get some help with this.

I found myself sobbing in my car yesterday while stuck in freeway traffic driving home from a long day at work. I got home and cried more in my bathroom, hyperventilating and having a panic attack. This is abnormal for me. But lately, it has been so hard and I feel alone at times. It’s really really really hard to stand up sometimes as a woman, a young woman, a young woman of color, a young woman of color attorney, a young woman of color attorney in the Seattle area with hopes and dreams in my personal and professional life.

I wanted to write out all the things that have happened to me lately that’ve really had a compounding negative effect on my mental and emotional wellbeing. Idk, it feels too raw still. It is freaking me out to list this stuff out because it’s a lot. I think I’ll return to this post another time. But for now, I guess I just want to express the real pain that someone like me experiences when people make  direct attacks that disrespect and undermine who I am. I am a person. I have feelings. It all adds up and makes my existence so heavy and it is very hard.

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